How can we find time to communicate?
As a couples counselor, I often meet with two people who care about each other, but feel emotionally distant. There is not always a huge problem, but rather a habit of not communicating. Couples get caught up in the daily routine and a busy schedule. It is easy to assume you know what the other person is thinking.
Modern relationships are stretched thin by work, parenting, caring for aging parents, and nonstop digital distractions. Even healthy couples can start to feel more like roommates. You might be talking, but sometimes we really don’t listen to each other. This next excercise can help with that, and it only takes 10 Minutes per day!
Schedule Ten Minutes to Check In
Ten minutes. That’s all you need! Put it on the schedule. Or, in the midst of a chaotic day, tap your partner on the shoulder and say “hey, we need 10 minutes to check in.” It may not seem to be a lot of time, but it is better than a text message from across the house!
An opportunity to just Listen
Couples get stuck in old communication patterns: Making assumptions about what the other person is saying, trying to solve a problem, or feeling like you have to defend yourself. In this exercise you will just be listening to each other – no responses, no interruptions, no need to fix anything. While the other person is talking, see if you can prioritize just understanding what is going on for them today. While you are talking, you get to share and have the other person’s full attention.
Five Minutes to Talk
Decide who gets to talk first (it doesn’t matter, you are next!). One person talks for five minutes. Talk about anything : deep concerns, sadness, worries, something funny, something important that you haven’t had a chance to share. It can be something small, just a way to let your significant other know what is important to you today. Attempt to avoid attacking the other person, or bringing up a big problem right now. This is just to share, so they know what is going on for you.
Rules for the Listener
You are five minutes listening. That’s it – this is your challenge! Only focus on attempting to really hear what they are really saying. You are not going to respond, answer questions or give your opinion. You are not going to interject and you do not need to focus on what you are saying back. You are just listening. Try to be there, let go of your “to do” list, put your phone away. For five minutes your spouse is your priority. Give them your undivided attention. Make a little bit of eye contact, you’d be surprised how rarely you actually do this.
Switch
That’s it, one person talks for 5 minutes while the other person listens. Set a timer, when the timer goes off, then you switch. Remember, this isn’t a conversation, you aren’t trying to accomplish anything except connecting. This is a chance to listen and be heard, that’s it. It may seem weird at first, but you can talk about completely different things.
Rules
If you are Speaker #2, remember, you are not responding to what your spouse was telling you during the first 5 minutes. If you were speaker #1 – don’t get mad if they don’t respond or mention anything that you brought up. That’s not what this is about! This is your opportunity to just share what has been going on for you, what you feel is important for them to know, and to listen to each other
Options
If you complete your 10 minute exercise and you want to do it again – sure, you can re-start. Don’t feel that is necessary however.
If you feel you want to have a conversation about any of what was discussed, don’t do it now. Wait. Save that for later. Focus on remembering what each other said, and feel good about just having a solid check-in. Write down some notes if that is helpful, to remember what you want to discuss at another time.
Going Forward
You can always schedule 10 minutes! You can also use this new skill in the moment, during normal conversations. If your partner is sharing something, resist the urge to to respond right away! Listen a bit longer. Instead of continuing a task, stop for a moment and make eye conctact. Mute the tv, take the airpods out. Learning to be more attentive to each other and listening more intently will bring you closer.
It’s ok to get More Help
If you feel stuck or disconnected despite your efforts, couples therapy can help you understand patterns, improve communication, and rebuild emotional intimacy. Many couples seek Couples Counseling not only during crises, but for many reasons.
Call Today! You don’t have to navigate difficult relationship problems alone. I help couples reconnect, heal, communicate more clearly, and feel closer again. Contact me to schedule a free couples therapy consultation and take the next step toward a stronger relationship.
