Trust can often feel strained or even broken in a relationship. A partner contacts someone of the opposite sex on the internet. Inappropriate texts. Cheating. A return to addictive behaviors – alcohol, drug use, gambling, porn – these all can hurt a relationship. Usually there are promises to stop a behavior and an apology for causing hurt. Still, quite often, these things happen again. Human beings are imperfect – we don’t learn quickly. Also, while apologies and promises are good – they are usually not enough to change behavior. A person really needs to figure out the WHY behind the behavior, and address that. If someone can’t figure this out on their own, therapy can often be helpful.
Sieber Psychotherapy emphasizes that trust in a relationship, even following a breach, is fundamentally a conscious choice. Actively choosing to trust is essential for an individual's own well-being and for encouraging a partner's efforts toward change, rather than remaining stuck in suspicion. The article highlights that not choosing trust can transform one into a "probation officer, a detective, a parent," which hinders a genuine relationship dynamic. This choice also allows individuals to focus on the present and their own self-care.
Much of the work toward rebuilding a relationship is up to your partner. However, there are things you can practice that will be helpful. Asking them for what you need, and demanding that you need behaviors to change. Setting high standards for what you expect out of the relationship. Communicating better, if you haven’t been good at this. However, the best thing you can do for both of you is to Choose to Trust.
How Can You Choose to Trust in a Relationship?
- Choosing to trust in a relationship involves a conscious decision to focus on the present and your own well-being, even when past hurts exist. At first, this idea of “choice” seems impossible, with people often saying, “I don’t want to be a fool again. I don’t want to get hurt again. I trusted them the first time, and they did it again!”. The reality is that trust is always a choice. As long as you decide to stay, maintaining your own well-being requires trust. If you remain worried, angry, accusative, or suspicious, your partner is less likely to succeed in changing. Not choosing trust can turn you into a probation officer, a detective, or a parent, which is neither fun nor conducive to a real relationship. Trust doesn’t mean you’ll be a fool or tolerate mistreatment; you don’t have to believe ridiculous excuses or accept a lack of follow-through on agreed-upon rules and boundaries. It’s okay to ask questions and expect answers, and you deserve to hear why your partner behaved a certain way or what they are doing to figure it out. You deserve to see your partner doing what they say they will. If you see evidence of wrongdoing, you can confront them. While terrible things may have happened in the past, focus on what is happening today: Did your husband stay sober? Did your wife come home on time? Has your partner shared their feelings? Are you spending time together and seeing cooperation? Do you notice evidence that your partner is trying? Trust is a choice that increases day by day. Focusing on today’s good helps you feel better and more confident about tomorrow, and encourages your partner’s progress. By choosing to trust today, you avoid dwelling on yesterday. You can’t control your significant other’s actions, but you can choose to have a good day for yourself, focusing on self-care, work, friends, kids, and your own health. Choosing trust means not letting your partner’s behaviors bring you down. Remind yourself: “I can take care of myself, I can still make myself happy, I can have a good life – no matter what they do.” Choosing trust doesn’t mean accepting everything; you can leave at any time. YOU decide what is healthy and when you’ve reached a breaking point. By choosing to trust as much as you could, you have done your part.
Trust Is A Choice
Remember, you are half of your relationship, and you can only control your half. If your significant other really wants the relationship to work, they will show you. You can do your part by telling them what you need from them, and by demanding that they meet the standards you expect from a partner in life. You can also choose trust. When you choose trust, it gives you energy to take care of yourself. It frees you to be able to focus on the positive things that are happening today. Trust allows us to see the good behaviors of others in the moment, which then encourages them to keep working at the relationship. In the meantime, it doesn’t mean you are forgetting the past, or that you are willing to put up with bad behavior in the future. You are in control over your own happiness. If your partner is not willing to do the work, you can end the relationship at any time. However, if you choose to trust, you are helping yourself move on and helping your relationship heal. If you want a space to work on this together, couples counseling can be a next step.
